How to Survive Working for a Toxic Boss

We’ve all had one. The toxic boss.

Whether belittling colleagues in front of the group, giving the evil-eye when time-off requests are submitted, or nit-picking every submitted report, this boss can have a profoundly negative impact on an employee’s work life that eventually bleeds over into all aspects of life. Prolonged micro-managing and harassment from a toxic manager can quickly affect a person’s mental health. It starts with questioning each and every move made and ends with the employee becoming a little paranoid.

According to a 2015 Gallup Survey, half of employees have left their jobs to get away from a bad manager and 41 percent of American workers say they’ve been “psychologically harassed” on the job.

A toxic boss’s bad behavior can quickly spread, infecting his or her employees. The employees may begin exhibiting similar bad behaviors. Soon the entire team is affected by bullying, back-biting, and widespread gossip amongst colleagues. The easy answer is to simply leave and find new employment. For most people, this isn’t an option. Many decide to make the best of a bad situation and stay. The wait may not be long as managers tend to cycle through in quick succession. Making the decision to stay and deal with the toxic boss until they move on is not an easy task. It takes strength and mental fortitude, especially if you are the recipient of the toxic boss’s venomous bite!

Being targeted by a toxic manager for a prolonged period of time can lead even the most even-keeled employee to feelings of paranoia, especially if the manager makes threats of Performance Improvement Plans that are truly undeserved. It is a sad truth that toxic managers exist. They choose to torment an employee in order to force them to quit. Perhaps the manager doesn’t like them or they “inherited” the employee when they assumed the management position. Once the target is placed on an employee and the ball is rolling, it becomes a real battle for the employee to remain calm and maintain their emotional stability under this intense, personal pressure.

The distrust, anxiety and mild paranoia experienced by this unfortunate employee can become all encompassing. Feelings of wariness and suspicion surface. Some of these feelings are without justification, some are indeed justified. 

We all have old tapes playing in the back of our minds. Tapes that hold the trigger words or phrases that, as a child really bothered us, made us feel defenseless, belittled, or “less than”.  Maybe it was a phrase from your parents or perhaps an older sibling who was bigger than you spoken in a very particular tone. Phrases like “I told you”, “you should”, “you need to”, “ try harder” amongst many, many others.  

An employee who already feels a bit persecuted by a toxic boss will only have increasing suspicion, mistrust, and paranoia if their manager speaks to them using their trigger words in a tone reminiscent of their subconscious childhood memory. It brings on an unconscious reaction in the employee, only making things worse. Unfortunately, the manager may not even be aware of the compounding effects they are having on the employee.

It is helpful for all of us to be aware of what our “trigger” words are in order to proactively respond when these words are directed toward us. We ultimately control our response to these words and being able to consciously detect them will allow us to defuse our reaction, neutralizing the situation.

Fine-tuned listening and communication skills are needed to completely understand any information that is being imparted to us by a manager. Assuring that what we are saying is explicitly understood is the key to dealing with a toxic boss.  

It’s time to learn and perfect the art of active listening. Active listening is mindfully hearing and attempting to comprehend the words spoken by another person during conversation. It’s concentrating and listening with all of your senses. Attention is fully focused on the speaker, hearing each word, not planning what is next. It’s an authentic back and forth conversation spoken while remaining present in the moment, seeking understanding of what is being said.  This means that phones are on silent mode and not in sight!

Deciding to “ride-out” the toxic manager requires being conscious of potential toxic arrows coming your way. Always remain the adult in the room by being fully mindful of your reactions and interactions. During face to face exchanges, employ active listening skills along with observing your managers eye movements and body position. Does the manager look you in the eye as they speak? Is the body position open or closed? Is their face conveying a different meaning than their choice of words? This is important information to recognize and collect. For your part, be sure to look them in the eye when speaking and keep your body movements open. For example, don’t cross your arms or clench your fists. Perhaps an open, welcoming stance will disarm some of the toxicity.

Clarifying spoken words is paramount to complete understanding. A toxic manager may not like being asked to expand upon what they’ve said, but it is crucial for your documentation efforts, especially if you feel you are being targeted. Ask specific questions affirming that what was said is actually what you heard. It may be necessary to repeat back in your own words what was said to reinforce the intended meaning for both you and the manager.  

Accurate interpretation of interactions may take a bit more time. Be clear, concise, nonemotional and positive. Don’t listen simply to reply. Open your mind to what is being communicated without interruption and judgment. Jumping to conclusions before all the facts are presented is futile and unhelpful. Sometimes asking multiple questions may lead to the real meaning of what the manager is not saying. These realizations can be a real break-through in the relationship!

Digital communication can always be misinterpreted, especially between persons who are experiencing conflict. As humans, we are emotional. We must remember that emails and texts do not have emotions! How many times do we assign emotion and tone to emails or texts that we have received? Let’s not even mention the unspoken “meanings” that are relayed by sarcastic emoticons! Difficult discussions are always best handled with a face to face meeting.

We are at work for a large portion of our lives. Being in a constant state of suspicion and paranoia with colleagues and management is unhealthy. It prevents us from fitting in and building proper relationships with people who are part of our everyday life.  

It is helpful to remind ourselves that feelings are not facts and assumptions are not truths. What is a certainty is that practicing excellent communication skills leads to better understanding.  Just as we have the power over our reactions to a toxic boss, we also have the power over how we choose to listen and communicate.

And remember, I offer a completely free 30 minute introductory job interview coaching session. Contact me today to prepare for your tomorrow!